What's Gone Through My Head

So the school year is nearly over. I'm so close to the end and so much has happened:

• College. College is really not as most people put it off to be. College is just a place where people come together and drink together and create "brotherhood". "Brotherhood" where we can share about how we all got wasted and don't remember what happened last night. College is just a meeting ground for us to exchange booze and be happy. That's pretty much what I've gathered that college is. On the other hand, it has been an eye-opening experience. College is a place where knowledge can be gathered and shared together. What we put into it is what we get out of it. I've learnt so much from my work position in the VADER Lab, from my campus minister, and from my friends.
  
  
• Friendships have been made. Friendship, to me, is an exploration of yourself and others in a group community. To have true friendship, you must be willing to be pried open and be seen as you are. To It was a humbling experience. Now, I think it was worth it. The people I know now I hope I will maintain a relationship with for a long time.
  
  
• Grades. I've begun to realize that grades are not and never have been a measure of intelligence. Sure, the intelligence or rather the premature knowledge of a subject matter can make a class easier. It is about the effort that is put into it.
  
  
• Passion. Things are worthless if you aren't passionate about it. What good is it to you if you aren't passionate about something. So why bother doing something that you couldn't care less about? Why do something if you're just going to half-ass it up?
  
  
• God. God has become something real for me. It isn't this figurine that I can pull out of my pocket. No more, my conclusion about passion has led me to this. If I'm going to follow a god or something, I might as well do it wholeheartedly. If I don't, what's the point? There is no point.

Failure

We've all failed in something that we've done whether that be not properly knowing how to ride a bike, or having destroyed someone's expectations of you. Ironically, this is the thing that pushes me forward. When I fail, it prods me on to do better. However, when I excel, I grow lazy and prideful in what I've done. Perhaps, failure is our sign that we're only human. We can't do everything alone. However, as I think about it, failure is really just a perspective. As I watched the movie Friday Night Lights, this quote really hit me.

Coach Gary Gaines: Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!

With that in mind, I think we can be perfect. Perfection is a thing that requires discipline. I suppose if we can attain perfection, it begs the question: who are we striving to be perfect for? Is it for ourselves or something more? At the end of the day, I doubt the world will really care if a perfect man died...

A Short Poem...

Glazed Eyes

There it stood under the stained glass window,
Peering down at us from its exalted position.
We searched those glazed eyes for a hint of humanity.
We found nothing.
Eyes are windows unto one’s soul, or so they say.
If this is true, these windows are boarded up.
Peer into them and see the emptiness, the lifelessness.
There’s no hint of compassion, no love, no life, nothing.
We’ve become actors, pretenders.
With a veil of deceit placed over our eyes.
A veil that we’ve put on ourselves.
We’ve become the best actors in the world.
We’ve convinced ourselves of our roles.
Do we realize what we’ve done?
What are we doing? Do we know? Will we ever?

This was spurred by one of my friends. So I wrote this as I thought about myself and the people around me. We've let things invade our lives. We worship things: religion, school, friends, relationships, acceptance. Whatever it may be, I'm sure have idols of all sorts. It's all so temporary.

Echoes - Pink Floyd

Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air
And deep beneath the rolling waves
In labyrinths of coral caves
The echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand
And everything is green and submarine.

And no-one called us to the land
And no-one knows the wheres or whys
But something stirs and something tries
And starts to climb towards the light

Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me
And do I take you by the hand
And lead you through the land
And help me understand the best I can

And no-one calls us to move on
And no-one forces down our eyes
And no-one speaks and no-one tries
And no-one flies around the sun

Cloudless everyday you fall upon my waking eyes
inviting and inciting me to rise
And through the window in the wall
Come streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning

And no-one sings me lullabies
And no-one makes me close my eyes
And so I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the sky

In an interview with Rolling Stone, Roger Waters said that he was attempting to describe: the potential that human beings have for recognizing each other's humanity and responding to it, with empathy rather than antipathy...

Freedom

Are we really free? In this place we call America, justice and freedom are considered the greatest thing. However, I don't think we are free. We're confined to what others think. We're confined in our own little bubble of stereotypes, of expectations that other people put on us. This is obvious in the way we greet each other. "Hey, how are you?" "Good" At this point in time, my head is questioning your answer. Are you just saying that because you're expected to? Freedom is not something that is paid for in blood. It is a state of mind; a perspective. So often, we're confined by what we think expectations of us are that we lose any individuality. I think the problem is that we strive too much to be accepted by everyone else. However, we cannot become all individualistic, as this is when a society ceases to function.

Fear and Desire

As I look over the things I've done in the past few days, I notice that they've been rooted in two things: fear and desire. Fear is a major driving force behind what I do - I think it's a major driving force behind what we, as humans, do. We fear something, so we do it. Our homework is not done because we want to do it. No, we do it because we fear the repercussions of our parents breathing down our necks. Perhaps, we strive to do it so we get better, but ultimately it is driven by this fear of our self-image; so we can progress just like the rest of the people around us. Often, I find it is fear that leads us on; the fear of being ostracized, the fear of being hated, sometimes even the fear of being accepted.

One thing that strikes me is how everyone seems to conform to one standard. Perhaps, this is led by the fear of being alone. I think this is ultimately what we all desire. We desire companionship and relationships. This is what we want. We as people were made to create and make relationships. Whether you believe in God, or nihilism, we all desire genuine intimacy with one another. I cannot think of anyone who is genuinely happy and is alone.

Inspired by: Lifting Shadows Off A Dream - Dream Theater

Friendship

This past week has got me thinking about friendship. What I have here may be something that is apparent and obvious to you. However, it struck me as obvious, yet illusive. Friendships are not made by two people simply being at the same place at the same time, nor are they made by two people with similar interests. No, they are made by the shared experiences of two or more people. By experiencing the same thing, people are able to share a small piece of what makes up each of them - after all, people are created through a series of events. This is probably why so many people still keep in touch with their friends from all parts of their life.

This hit me when I was with two of my friends this week, out in the back country of upstate New York. These are memories that we will share and cherish. It is not something that will simply be dismissed. Even if the memories are depressing, we are still able to peer into a small part of one another's soul just because we were there together. The people that I've known throughout my lifetime have influenced me one way or another - whether they've made me a better person or a worse person is a different question. However, I am able to look back on what we've done together and smile, knowing that they have shaped me into who I am this very day. So I suppose this is my own little thank you to the world for making me who I am and for making me who I will be. Hopefully I'll have good reason to be thankful for the future.