Wanderers

Sometimes it's hard to know exactly what I want. Actually, it is always hard to know what I want We're so fickle as human beings. If only there was a checklist of things to do so we just start ticking off the boxes and saying this creates happiness, this makes me content. If only life was that simple. Or maybe if it was just a matter of rolling a set of dice, we'd all be happy cause we'd know that what we got was just a mere chance of fate.

As I was talking to one of my professors, he offered me a position in his lab. However, what mattered to him and what matters to me is what I want to do in the future? If I didn't intend to pursue a career in research, being in his lab would be a waste of my time and his - to a certain extent. Really, though, I'm at that point in time - once again - where I need to figure out my direction.

What do we want to accomplish? So often, we just wander through life aimlessly, hands stretched out in front of us reaching, grasping for something tangible - but really, we're just lost and hopeless wanderers - attempting to find direction. I suppose that's really what happened. I'm just a sperm that happened to wander in an ovary. I developed into a fetus who happened to wander out of my mother's womb and now here I am wandering once again. So what should I do?

Singing Songs

I've never felt the same way before. Being packed in a room with 2000 people, there was an amazing sense of connection between everyone. We watched in awe and amazement as Porcupine Tree performed. There's nothing quite like hearing and experiencing the same thing as an entire group of people, whilst singing along to words like "I just want to be loved" or "I'm dying of love but it's okay". It's definitely something that everyone should experience. It's just an amazing connection that people make with one another during this short interval of time by connecting through the same music. I've been to a lot of concerts and this was by far the best one I've ever been to. Although I didn't do one thing that I wanted to do: smell Steven Wilson's breath.

Photos courtesy of Joe del Tufo.

How Passion Fails Us...

Sometimes, I'm in something or do things so long that I lose the original passion I once had for it. I lose sight of what is in front and misunderstand what I should be heading towards. Passion isn't there sometimes. I guess I've come to that point in certain things - where I don't have the passion to care about it anymore. I can't feel it, but I feel that it is something that I should strive for.

Nevertheless, passions cannot always be present. One day, you may love the thing you do and the next you groan and gripe complaining about how your work is structured. Passions are that way. I suppose where this is going is that passion is based on the idea of infatuation (a temporary version of love if you will). Passion is something that is fickle. It reminds me of people and music. Everyone has their "phase" of a certain type of music. It becomes their passion for a month, two months, maybe a year or more. However, it fades away as they develop their musical horizons and merely becomes another stepping stone.

On the other hand, love is something that is timeless. Love is something that grows and grows as we nourish it. However, love can fade, just as passion does, if it is not nourished. Even if it fades, someone who's experienced a love for something will hold onto that feeling and be fulfilled in
feeding it. For instance, the kid that loves riding his bicycle will always remember those feelings of freedom and joy and be able to relive the feelings even as an adult.

I suppose we cannot wholly separate passion from love, for me I feel that passion comes out of love. I must genuinely love something to be passionate about it. However, I may be passionate about something and not really love it. I'm not entirely sure this makes sense... Despite this, we can distinguish the two. As I think about this, I wonder if what I'm doing is right for me. I wonder if it is something that I'm in love with or just passionate about.

We're All In This Together

Identity

After all these years, it's finally caught up to me. I don't get it. I don't know who I am. No one does. What defines me? I don't know. Where am I from? I also don't know. Sometime I long for being able to answer in one or two words where I am from. This is probably just something that comes with moving around as a kid. It sucks not knowing where you're from or where to call home. Having lived in basically 5 different places in my life, it's hard to explain everything I've been through.

That being said, people who know where they are from should hold onto that. They should hold onto their identity as tight as they can, not allowing it to slip away - cause once it's lost you aren't getting it back. Although the people around them will inevitably shape who they are, their identity - their roots - shouldn't change. However, in my case, I suppose I have never had roots or an identity to begin with.

One of my friends told me that entering into a culture is a hard and difficult process. You have two options: to assimilate or to isolate yourself. However, option b is complete suicide. There is no way anyone can live like that. So that only leaves me one option. It's not going to be fun. It's probably going to hurt much more than it ever has before, but I've asked for it.

Was it worth it?

Welcome to our generation. We are a generation that's grown up using technology. We've been exposed to the world with just a click of a mouse. Born with a laptop in one hand and an Ipod in the other, and Bluetooth in my right ear. This is our generation. To me, it seems that technology has allowed for us to be exposed to so much more than previous generations. It is no longer necessary to pay for a telegram to be sent to your friends in Europe. We're able to send a message to loved ones anywhere around the world and recieve a response in just a few seconds. However, we've lost so much in this. The art of using elbow grease to fix that brake pad on your car is no longer necessary, so we have to go down the street to the mechanic. Ironically, we've lost ground through our creations in ways. We created cars to eliminate the methane put out from horses, but now we've just created a bigger problem. We created helmets for football, but now football players have more serious back problems as there is no "risk" in playing in such a fashion now. We created Ritalin for those who have ADD, but it's not uncommon to hear of intellectuals using them to "boost their mental capacity". In the end, however, they suffer major mental problems. This just goes to show that sometimes advancement isn't always advancement. In designing new products, we have to question what harm it can bring and what good it will bring. Sometimes, it may not be worth it.

7 Weeks Later.

So here I am after 7 weeks of being in a relatively foreign country and I've come to one realization: that I am neither American nor Chinese. Culture and backgrounds are things that interest me. After seeing how culturally different the people from Mainland China are really like, I've come to realize that I am not Chinese. Certain things are just so basic such as seeing life as a collective group rather than as a single This collective mentality is lost upon me and my American upbringing. However, to overlook the fact that I have also been raised and lived in Asian societies for more than a third of my life would be to say that I am American. Then again, I am not Asian-American because I'm just so vastly different from all my culturally Asian-American friends (Obviously, I am an Asian that holds an American passport). I am at the crossroads between two cultures, attempting to determine which route I belong on. So I've come to conclude that I am what I define as a cosmopolitan: a person that is associated with many cultures, but is not rooted in one.

Although this I believe does define me, it isn't a bad thing. I have experienced so much culturally and seen so much. I have encountered so much more than most people see in their lifetimes. I have been able to experience the East and the West. I am able to see the differences between their backgrounds and the way they think. In this way, it is a great experience to be exposed to so much. However, it leaves me with questions. Who am I? What defines me?