Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Genuine Love?

Just this last week, I realized that the people I was with were those that I cared the most about. If I was to make a list of people that I cared about most important to least, I have no doubt these people would be at the very top of my list. It's strange really. These are the people that probably cause the most conflict in my life, but I really think that I genuinely care for them. I mean I genuinely care about a lot of people, but I would do anything for these people in particular. It's funny.

Although these people piss me off the most - it generally takes a lot to get me angry I think/hope - I still care about them the most. They may piss me off, but, in the end, I just get over it and it's as if from that experience we've grown. Is this what genuine love is? It never gives into the problems that arise and is selfless. Sometimes, I think that I may never be able to forgive them for what they've done, but, in the end, I learn to come to terms with it and it's back to normal.

I wonder if this love is just reciprocated because they loved me first. On the other hand, relationships are a two way thing. So perhaps, it isn't the case. Maybe, it's because I look up to these people and seek their advice. Or perhaps it really is this selfless love that we all strive to give to others. One day, hopefully, I'll be able to extend a love like this to everyone around me.

I think love should really be an unconditional overflowing of forgiveness and wisdom. Forgiveness that is willing to accept anything that has happened. However, wisdom is present to understand what is the appropriate response to everything is. This is what we should all strive to attain. Unfortunately, wisdom comes with time. Hopefully I won't be too old to really understand what love is before I begin to truly extend this love to the people around me.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Masks

The people we depict ourselves to be are so different from the people we actually are on the inside. For the longest time, I've always thought that it was cool to be just an emotionless shell of a person. Now I know, it's not. It's not cool, nor interesting to be that person. It isn't interesting to suppress your feelings. Relationships go so much deeper when we're honest with others and actually say what's on our mind. Despite this, we're often expected to hide our insecurities, fears, and the flaws in our character.

A lot of times, we're asked, "How are you?". The proper response to this question is something along the lines of "Good. And yourself?" despite the fact that you just happened to bomb a final. It's sad really that we must put on this mask of strength in front of others and have pity on ourselves behind a closed door. I'm sure that the world wouldn't be a better place if everyone responded with bitter remarks about why their world is collapsing on them. However, I think it would be a better place if people would respond honestly.

On the other hand, there is a time for everything; it wouldn't be wise for you to break down to your boss, but it is okay you to tell them that you are having a bad day. There is a social context for everything and it is a matter of discernment - which comes from wisdom and experience.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Regret

There are numerous times I've done things that I really shouldn't have - like that time I chased my brother down that hill by our house, or that time I didn't realize what I had said, or that time I grabbed the hand of someone thinking it was my grandfather... The list just goes on and on. Initially, I regret them. Then, I learn to live with them and realize that all these things have caused me to become the person I am today. So I don't really regret them, but at the time I do.

Is it possible to live life without regret? I don't think it is. Most of the time, we regret something that we've done initially and then realize what it's made us in retrospect. Thus, we don't regret it, but it is because we have seen where it has brought us and how we've grown through the experience. Personality is brought about by these sets of regrets and joys that we experience. Who we are comes from this emotional roller-coaster of what we have done in our lives.

The only way that we can never regret is if we had a road map - which we were satisfied with - to our life and understood that every step we took brought us closer to our destination. If it did not bring us any closer to our destination, then we would regret what we've done. Too bad, we don't have a personal GPS to tell us what to do in every situation. However, if we did most of us would just follow that road map and would never be able to experience things for that they really are. They would all just be another thing that we expected.

Monday, November 2, 2009

A Simple Question

This is a poem written by Nic Bommarito who has pretty sweet music. His writing is interesting. This piece was written during his college years in University of Michigan. His work is pretty interesting. Check it out: http://www.nicbommarito.com/

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Live Today

As a kid, I've always longed to be an adult with the liberty to do whatever I want, whenever I want. Being surrounded by two older brothers, I saw how exciting things would be as I got older. For instance, I saw how much freedom came along with turning 18 and getting a driver's license. However, I've obviously aged and grown wiser - I hope. I've seen those days fly by and now I realize the misconceptions that I've had as a kid. Life does not start tomorrow, the monumental day you graduate from high school, or even when you turn 21. It started the minute you became conscious of your surroundings and able to make decisions for yourself.

It is a pity that so many of us sit around dreaming of the future. It is true that there are certain things you must go through before you can attain the ideal future. However, it is foolish to waste our time and let it rot as we daydream about what we could be. We should be proactive and take advantage of what we have around us. It's a shame that so many people I see struggle to make it through college and can only think of what they want to do once they get out. I don't think it should be that way. They should be doing what they love in college and when they get out of college, whether that be building things or changing the world. Understandably, some things may be difficult to start, but why should that stop you from doing what you love?

Friday, October 9, 2009

Wanderers

Sometimes it's hard to know exactly what I want. Actually, it is always hard to know what I want We're so fickle as human beings. If only there was a checklist of things to do so we just start ticking off the boxes and saying this creates happiness, this makes me content. If only life was that simple. Or maybe if it was just a matter of rolling a set of dice, we'd all be happy cause we'd know that what we got was just a mere chance of fate.

As I was talking to one of my professors, he offered me a position in his lab. However, what mattered to him and what matters to me is what I want to do in the future? If I didn't intend to pursue a career in research, being in his lab would be a waste of my time and his - to a certain extent. Really, though, I'm at that point in time - once again - where I need to figure out my direction.

What do we want to accomplish? So often, we just wander through life aimlessly, hands stretched out in front of us reaching, grasping for something tangible - but really, we're just lost and hopeless wanderers - attempting to find direction. I suppose that's really what happened. I'm just a sperm that happened to wander in an ovary. I developed into a fetus who happened to wander out of my mother's womb and now here I am wandering once again. So what should I do?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Singing Songs



I've never felt the same way before. Being packed in a room with 2000 people, there was an amazing sense of connection between everyone. We watched in awe and amazement as Porcupine Tree performed. There's nothing quite like hearing and experiencing the same thing as an entire group of people, whilst singing along to words like "I just want to be loved" or "I'm dying of love but it's okay". It's definitely something that everyone should experience. It's just an amazing connection that people make with one another during this short interval of time by connecting through the same music. I've been to a lot of concerts and this was by far the best one I've ever been to. Although I didn't do one thing that I wanted to do: smell Steven Wilson's breath.

Photos courtesy of Joe del Tufo.

Friday, September 25, 2009

How Passion Fails Us...

Sometimes, I'm in something or do things so long that I lose the original passion I once had for it. I lose sight of what is in front and misunderstand what I should be heading towards. Passion isn't there sometimes. I guess I've come to that point in certain things - where I don't have the passion to care about it anymore. I can't feel it, but I feel that it is something that I should strive for.

Nevertheless, passions cannot always be present. One day, you may love the thing you do and the next you groan and gripe complaining about how your work is structured. Passions are that way. I suppose where this is going is that passion is based on the idea of infatuation (a temporary version of love if you will). Passion is something that is fickle. It reminds me of people and music. Everyone has their "phase" of a certain type of music. It becomes their passion for a month, two months, maybe a year or more. However, it fades away as they develop their musical horizons and merely becomes another stepping stone.

On the other hand, love is something that is timeless. Love is something that grows and grows as we nourish it. However, love can fade, just as passion does, if it is not nourished. Even if it fades, someone who's experienced a love for something will hold onto that feeling and be fulfilled in
feeding it. For instance, the kid that loves riding his bicycle will always remember those feelings of freedom and joy and be able to relive the feelings even as an adult.

I suppose we cannot wholly separate passion from love, for me I feel that passion comes out of love. I must genuinely love something to be passionate about it. However, I may be passionate about something and not really love it. I'm not entirely sure this makes sense... Despite this, we can distinguish the two. As I think about this, I wonder if what I'm doing is right for me. I wonder if it is something that I'm in love with or just passionate about.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Identity

After all these years, it's finally caught up to me. I don't get it. I don't know who I am. No one does. What defines me? I don't know. Where am I from? I also don't know. Sometime I long for being able to answer in one or two words where I am from. This is probably just something that comes with moving around as a kid. It sucks not knowing where you're from or where to call home. Having lived in basically 5 different places in my life, it's hard to explain everything I've been through.

That being said, people who know where they are from should hold onto that. They should hold onto their identity as tight as they can, not allowing it to slip away - cause once it's lost you aren't getting it back. Although the people around them will inevitably shape who they are, their identity - their roots - shouldn't change. However, in my case, I suppose I have never had roots or an identity to begin with.

One of my friends told me that entering into a culture is a hard and difficult process. You have two options: to assimilate or to isolate yourself. However, option b is complete suicide. There is no way anyone can live like that. So that only leaves me one option. It's not going to be fun. It's probably going to hurt much more than it ever has before, but I've asked for it.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Was it worth it?

Welcome to our generation. We are a generation that's grown up using technology. We've been exposed to the world with just a click of a mouse. Born with a laptop in one hand and an Ipod in the other, and Bluetooth in my right ear. This is our generation. To me, it seems that technology has allowed for us to be exposed to so much more than previous generations. It is no longer necessary to pay for a telegram to be sent to your friends in Europe. We're able to send a message to loved ones anywhere around the world and recieve a response in just a few seconds. However, we've lost so much in this. The art of using elbow grease to fix that brake pad on your car is no longer necessary, so we have to go down the street to the mechanic. Ironically, we've lost ground through our creations in ways. We created cars to eliminate the methane put out from horses, but now we've just created a bigger problem. We created helmets for football, but now football players have more serious back problems as there is no "risk" in playing in such a fashion now. We created Ritalin for those who have ADD, but it's not uncommon to hear of intellectuals using them to "boost their mental capacity". In the end, however, they suffer major mental problems. This just goes to show that sometimes advancement isn't always advancement. In designing new products, we have to question what harm it can bring and what good it will bring. Sometimes, it may not be worth it.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

7 Weeks Later.

So here I am after 7 weeks of being in a relatively foreign country and I've come to one realization: that I am neither American nor Chinese. Culture and backgrounds are things that interest me. After seeing how culturally different the people from Mainland China are really like, I've come to realize that I am not Chinese. Certain things are just so basic such as seeing life as a collective group rather than as a single This collective mentality is lost upon me and my American upbringing. However, to overlook the fact that I have also been raised and lived in Asian societies for more than a third of my life would be to say that I am American. Then again, I am not Asian-American because I'm just so vastly different from all my culturally Asian-American friends (Obviously, I am an Asian that holds an American passport). I am at the crossroads between two cultures, attempting to determine which route I belong on. So I've come to conclude that I am what I define as a cosmopolitan: a person that is associated with many cultures, but is not rooted in one.

Although this I believe does define me, it isn't a bad thing. I have experienced so much culturally and seen so much. I have encountered so much more than most people see in their lifetimes. I have been able to experience the East and the West. I am able to see the differences between their backgrounds and the way they think. In this way, it is a great experience to be exposed to so much. However, it leaves me with questions. Who am I? What defines me?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

What's Gone Through My Head

So the school year is nearly over. I'm so close to the end and so much has happened:

  • College. College is really not as most people put it off to be. College is just a place where people come together and drink together and create "brotherhood". "Brotherhood" where we can share about how we all got wasted and don't remember what happened last night. College is just a meeting ground for us to exchange booze and be happy. That's pretty much what I've gathered that college is. On the other hand, it has been an eye-opening experience. College is a place where knowledge can be gathered and shared together. What we put into it is what we get out of it. I've learnt so much from my work position in the VADER Lab, from my campus minister, and from my friends.

  • Friendships have been made. Friendship, to me, is an exploration of yourself and others in a group community. To have true friendship, you must be willing to be pried open and be seen as you are. To It was a humbling experience. Now, I think it was worth it. The people I know now I hope I will maintain a relationship with for a long time.

  • Grades. I've begun to realize that grades are not and never have been a measure of intelligence. Sure, the intelligence or rather the premature knowledge of a subject matter can make a class easier. It is about the effort that is put into it.

  • Passion. Things are worthless if you aren't passionate about it. What good is it to you if you aren't passionate about something. So why bother doing something that you couldn't care less about? Why do something if you're just going to half-ass it up?

  • God. God has become something real for me. It isn't this figurine that I can pull out of my pocket. No more, my conclusion about passion has led me to this. If I'm going to follow a god or something, I might as well do it wholeheartedly. If I don't, what's the point? There is no point.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Failure

We've all failed in something that we've done whether that be not properly knowing how to ride a bike, or having destroyed someone's expectations of you. Ironically, this is the thing that pushes me forward. When I fail, it prods me on to do better. However, when I excel, I grow lazy and prideful in what I've done. Perhaps, failure is our sign that we're only human. We can't do everything alone. However, as I think about it, failure is really just a perspective. As I watched the movie Friday Night Lights, this quote really hit me.

Coach Gary Gaines: Being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live in that moment as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect!

With that in mind, I think we can be perfect. Perfection is a thing that requires discipline. I suppose if we can attain perfection, it begs the question: who are we striving to be perfect for? Is it for ourselves or something more? At the end of the day, I doubt the world will really care if a perfect man died...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A Short Poem...

Glazed Eyes

There it stood under the stained glass window,
Peering down at us from its exalted position.
We searched those glazed eyes for a hint of humanity.
We found nothing.
Eyes are windows unto one’s soul, or so they say.
If this is true, these windows are boarded up.
Peer into them and see the emptiness, the lifelessness.
There’s no hint of compassion, no love, no life, nothing.
We’ve become actors, pretenders.
With a veil of deceit placed over our eyes.
A veil that we’ve put on ourselves.
We’ve become the best actors in the world.
We’ve convinced ourselves of our roles.
Do we realize what we’ve done?
What are we doing? Do we know? Will we ever?

This was spurred by one of my friends. So I wrote this as I thought about myself and the people around me. We've let things invade our lives. We worship things: religion, school, friends, relationships, acceptance. Whatever it may be, I'm sure have idols of all sorts. It's all so temporary.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Echoes - Pink Floyd

Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air
And deep beneath the rolling waves
In labyrinths of coral caves
The echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand
And everything is green and submarine.

And no-one called us to the land
And no-one knows the wheres or whys
But something stirs and something tries
And starts to climb towards the light

Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me
And do I take you by the hand
And lead you through the land
And help me understand the best I can

And no-one calls us to move on
And no-one forces down our eyes
And no-one speaks and no-one tries
And no-one flies around the sun

Cloudless everyday you fall upon my waking eyes
inviting and inciting me to rise
And through the window in the wall
Come streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning

And no-one sings me lullabies
And no-one makes me close my eyes
And so I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the sky

In an interview with Rolling Stone, Roger Waters said that he was attempting to describe: the potential that human beings have for recognizing each other's humanity and responding to it, with empathy rather than antipathy...

Friday, March 27, 2009

Freedom

Are we really free? In this place we call America, justice and freedom are considered the greatest thing. However, I don't think we are free. We're confined to what others think. We're confined in our own little bubble of stereotypes, of expectations that other people put on us. This is obvious in the way we greet each other. "Hey, how are you?" "Good" At this point in time, my head is questioning your answer. Are you just saying that because you're expected to? Freedom is not something that is paid for in blood. It is a state of mind; a perspective. So often, we're confined by what we think expectations of us are that we lose any individuality. I think the problem is that we strive too much to be accepted by everyone else. However, we cannot become all individualistic, as this is when a society ceases to function.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Fear and Desire

As I look over the things I've done in the past few days, I notice that they've been rooted in two things: fear and desire. Fear is a major driving force behind what I do - I think it's a major driving force behind what we, as humans, do. We fear something, so we do it. Our homework is not done because we want to do it. No, we do it because we fear the repercussions of our parents breathing down our necks. Perhaps, we strive to do it so we get better, but ultimately it is driven by this fear of our self-image; so we can progress just like the rest of the people around us. Often, I find it is fear that leads us on; the fear of being ostracized, the fear of being hated, sometimes even the fear of being accepted.

One thing that strikes me is how everyone seems to conform to one standard. Perhaps, this is led by the fear of being alone. I think this is ultimately what we all desire. We desire companionship and relationships. This is what we want. We as people were made to create and make relationships. Whether you believe in God, or nihilism, we all desire genuine intimacy with one another. I cannot think of anyone who is genuinely happy and is alone.

Inspired by: Lifting Shadows Off A Dream - Dream Theater

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Friendship

This past week has got me thinking about friendship. What I have here may be something that is apparent and obvious to you. However, it struck me as obvious, yet illusive. Friendships are not made by two people simply being at the same place at the same time, nor are they made by two people with similar interests. No, they are made by the shared experiences of two or more people. By experiencing the same thing, people are able to share a small piece of what makes up each of them - after all, people are created through a series of events. This is probably why so many people still keep in touch with their friends from all parts of their life.

This hit me when I was with two of my friends this week, out in the back country of upstate New York. These are memories that we will share and cherish. It is not something that will simply be dismissed. Even if the memories are depressing, we are still able to peer into a small part of one another's soul just because we were there together. The people that I've known throughout my lifetime have influenced me one way or another - whether they've made me a better person or a worse person is a different question. However, I am able to look back on what we've done together and smile, knowing that they have shaped me into who I am this very day. So I suppose this is my own little thank you to the world for making me who I am and for making me who I will be. Hopefully I'll have good reason to be thankful for the future.